


Claustrophilia

by mirawonderfulstar



Series: Fortis Animi 'verse [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, One Shot, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 08:32:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10613163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirawonderfulstar/pseuds/mirawonderfulstar
Summary: “Anguish is the universal language.” -Alice Fulton, ClaustrophiliaIn a universe where a centuries old spell matches you with your most magically compatible counterpart by revealing their name on your arm, Sirius and Remus are slowly coming to understand that love is a magic that is more than skin-deep.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Some of you who have been following Birds And Arrows wanted to know what Sirius and Remus talked about and while I wasn't really planning to write it out and was more going to hint at it as the story progressed, I figured ehh, what the heck. Hope it's everything you wanted :P

Remus stood his ground until James and Peter had left the room, waited until the door had closed behind them, before he sank onto the couch in front of the fire. Sirius watched him carefully but he didn’t look up, instead keeping his eyes trained on the flames flickering away in the hearth. They were, Remus realized, the only source of light in the room.

After several long seconds Sirius came to sit beside him, shifting awkwardly on the cushions. A normal, friendly distance away. Remus bit back a snort at that thought.

“So.” Sirius said, then stopped.

“So.” Remus responded, still not looking at him.

“Is it true you’ve been in love with me since second year?” Sirius burst out at exactly the same moment Remus asked, “Why are you so keen on reversing the soulmate spell?”

They looked up at each other. Sirius’s eyes were wide with surprise. Remus could feel his heart beating very fast. “You go first.” Remus said.

“No.” Sirius said, the hint of a smile forming on his lips. “You first, I insist.” He gestured dramatically with his hand and leaned back more comfortably against the couch. Something about his relaxed posture set Remus’s blood to boiling and he stood up. He walked over to the window that shouldn’t be there and stared out into the rain, wishing he could walk further away than a few paces. It really was an annoyingly small room.  When Sirius spoke next he clenched he fists in the pockets of his robes.

“I guess I’ll go first then, if you’re going to be like that.”

“Like what?” Remus replied as coldly as he could manage.

“Like _that_. All pissy for no discernable reason, like you’ve been behaving for the last mo-“

Remus whirled around and strode the distance back to the couch, pulling up the sleeve of his robe as he went. He thrust his forearm in front of his face. “Is this not a good enough reason for me to be pissy?” He snarled, his face mere inches from Sirius’s.

Sirius deflated slightly, shrinking back away. “No, I suppose you’re right.” Remus continued to glare at him as he ran a hand through his too-long hair and sighed. “We’ve got to calm down if we’re going to stick to that ‘no violence’ promise we made James. He’ll lose his fucking mind if he has to take one of us to the hospital wing tonight.”

Remus didn’t say anything. He did sit back on the couch, lifting his legs up beneath him. Sirius sighed again as he raked his eyes up and down Remus’s body.

“What?” Remus snapped.

“Nothing, it’s just-“ Sirius pulled a face like a grimace, “I’ve always thought that looked like a bloody uncomfortable way to sit.”

Remus cracked a smile, which Sirius returned, and before long they were chuckling softly to each other. Suddenly the room didn't seem too small at all, just Remus and Sirius and a roaring fire and that comfortable way of being together that they'd always had, that Remus had so longed for growing up and had found in the marauders.

“So.” Sirius said again. “What was it you were asking me?”

The light, easy feeling they had shared burst in an instant, and Remus reflected that it used to be much, much harder to do that. It had all seemed so simple back before Remus’s mark had revealed itself, back when every tiny thing the four of them had done seemed daring and adventurous and joyful. It was an illusion, of course; whatever dynamic the marauders shared, it had never been simple. A werewolf, a pureblood running away from the worst kind of family, the shyest person Remus had ever met, and the glue that held them all together through some combination of mothering, mischief and magical talent could have never been simple. 

“I need to know why you want to reverse the spell so badly.”

Sirius shrugged, but his eyes had glazed over. He stared at the fire for several very long seconds.

“Snape said something to me when I went to try and bully the information he’d collected out of him. He said that I didn’t know what I wanted and that was why knowing you’d been marked for me had gotten to me so badly.” Sirius opened and closed his mouth several times but didn’t speak, but Remus stayed silent, knowing that whatever he was thinking, saying something would just derail his train of thought.

“At the time I thought he was winding me up. Hell, he probably _was_ winding me up, but the more I’ve thought about it the more true it seems. At the time, when I was first thinking about reversing the spell, my idea was that I’d give it to you as a way to break off the connection with me so I could be with Marlene.”

Remus recoiled. Of course Sirius would fix a problem between two people by changing the other person. He shouldn’t feel as betrayed and hurt by this information as he was, it wasn’t like Sirius hadn’t done similar things before. But a mark was… deeply personal. It wasn’t something you could shrug and forget about. It had been used as a matchmaking tool for so long that many had come to see it as definitive, but quite apart from that it fundamentally changed you. Having a mark meant knowing, totally and completely, who it was that would make your magic stronger and complete you as a person. Erasing the word from your skin didn't make any of those things less true. Remus wouldn’t go so far as to call it destiny, but there was certainly an element of catastrophe in it.

Sirius’s voice jerked Remus back to the present and he unclenched his hands painfully. “But the more time went by, the less sure I was that getting rid of your mark was the right idea, and I started thinking maybe I should just get rid of Marlene and go around unmarked myself.” His tone was slightly brittle.

Remus stared at him. “Don’t be ridiculous, you _like_ Marlene.” Like didn’t seem like quite the appropriate word, actually, but Remus couldn’t get his mouth to say that other “L” word. “You’ve been inseparable for months. You went on that camping trip together.”

Sirius barked a laugh. “D’you know why I came back early from that trip, Moony? Because Lily told me you had my name. And d’you know the next time Marlene crossed my mind? When you mentioned her when we had that argument the night of the full moon.” Sirius rubbed a hand across his forehead. “When the girls came back at the end of break she was all bitchy and it wasn’t until after Snape said that stuff that I realized I was probably supposed to care more about my girlfriend being angry with me than I did.”

Remus frowned, breathing rather faster than the situation called for. “What are you saying, that Snape made you realize you’re gay?”

Sirius looked disgusted. “It sounds really dirty when you say it like _that_.”

Remus sniggered.

“I am not gay for Snape. Merlin. I don’t even want to think of those two words in the same sentence.” He shook his head, and the gesture was so reminiscent of a dog shaking water from its ears that Remus sniggered again. “Look, not to deliberately change the subject, but do you think Snape and James…”

“I think Snape and James are a puzzle best left unsolved.” Remus said lightly.

“You said earlier that James should consider that it’s the tension between him and Snape that’s been causing so many problems.” Sirius pointed out. Remus nodded, thinking. Normally he’d consider it highly dishonorable to talk about his friend’s inner thoughts and behaviors behind his back, but James had recently told Sirius that Remus was in love with him so Remus was feeling less than generous towards him at this exact moment.

“The soulmate spell is called that for a reason. It matches people up based on some inner workings that nobody really understands, except that it draws on your magic to do so. Snape and James may hate each other but somewhere deep down, their magic knows something they don’t.”

 “So you think Snape’s wrong about being able to undo the spell?” Sirius asked, looking annoyed.

“Oh no, not at all. I think it highly possible that he'll figure out how exactly it works and how to get the words off his arm. I’m just saying that it could be misguided of him to try.” Remus suddenly felt very tired. “Misguided of you, as well.” He sighed. “Where does that leave you with the _fortis animi_ spell?”

Sirius looked away again, hunching his shoulders very slightly. “That depends on how you answer the question I asked.”

“What was it again?” Remus said in a determinedly casual tone, although he was pretty sure he could remember.

“Have you really been in love with me since second year?”

“Who told you that?” Remus was stalling. “Was it _Snape_?”

Sirius shot him a nasty look. “It was James, actually. Right after I told him about… you know… sending Snape down to the Willow. Told me I was being a twat and deliberately ignoring what was right in front of my eyes, and that you’d been in love with me since second year.”

Remus inhaled sharply. It didn’t surprise him, not really, that James would have known this; he’d always been the most observant, the most empathetic of the four. It had been him who’d discovered that Remus was a werewolf, after all. Their second year. But it had been Sirius who’d suggested they become animagi. The way he’d put forth the idea, not like Remus’s condition was something to pity him for, but just an obstacle to be overcome around and maybe even a catalyst for some kind of adventure. Oh, yes. Remus had fallen hard in that moment.

Remus didn’t dare say any of this. Instead he said, “You were always so optimistic.”

Sirius quirked a smile, showing his teeth. “Yeah? My devil-may-care attitude’s what attracted you, and not my dashing good looks?”

“That helps.” Remus laughed.

Sirius laughed right along with him, and scooted closer on the couch. Remus looked pointedly at where Sirius had put his hand on Remus’s thigh and then back at Sirius with a raised eyebrow.

“Ah. I. Look.” Sirius let out a frustrated huff. “I know I’ve been an ass-“

“Understatement of the year.” Remus said cheerfully.

“-but I’m going to do better. I don’t want to ruin the marauders by being a careless prat and pushing you away. You’re pretty much the reason we’re friends.”

 “I think James is the reason we’re friends, actually.” He carefully picked Sirius’s hand up off his leg and placed it in Sirius’s own lap.

“You think I’m being a careless prat right now.” Sirius said accusingly. Remus smiled at him.

“You’ve always been a careless prat. It’s part of your appeal.”

“Does that mean you forgive me?”

Remus let out a sigh. “Yes, Padfoot. I forgive you.”

“Does that mean I can kiss you?”

“Get on with it, then.”

And Sirius did.

Remus had never wanted anybody so close before. 


End file.
